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December
29, 2005. People are making lists. All I remember is, a little over a year ago, feeling this weird mix of bittersweet joy. So many things had changed, I felt, and I went through a really tumultuous period of a few weeks where everything that could change, fall apart, or get flipped onto its side, did. And yet. I remember standing at the sink at work, mindlessly letting the tap run until the water was warm enough to actually clean my little coffee pot. I was totally prone to daydreaming at the time. I stood there, scrub scrub scrub, and I pushed the lame-ass scrubby sponge with reservoir-for-soap handle around the lip of the pot, and then I'd pop off the lid and rub the pad of my thumb over the plastic, coaxing the old coffee oils to come with it. I'd rinse and rinse and rinse, until there was no soap film molecules to be found, and I'd come out of a reverie to find myself smiling intensely (goofily, madly, unreservedly, stupidly). It sometimes felt like a secret smile. There were a lot of things that weighed on my mind, and a lot of responsibilities to maintain, and yet. And yet. And just over a year ago, I was prone to these secret smiles that would sincerely arrive out of nowhere and push my cheek muscles up into a wildly silly grin that I just couldn't help. I often felt more than a little foolish, since I am sure several co workers caught me in the act, but most of the time, I tried not to mind. The shy side of me that still remains would feel dumb as hell, but the joyful part of me cared not. Giggles, too. Or low chuckles. A small, guttural, "ha." Some piece of remembered conversation, some inside joke, some anchor's chain attached to the beginnings of friendships I thought I'd treasure forever. So, from November to January, I felt the mirth gild its way across my scalp and my eyelashes and my lips and my fingertips and my shoulders. Sparkling fizz of a New Year's drink was inside my head in the form of memories made instantly in the wee hours of the morning, in a small phrase meant only for me. Iridescent coasting and sailing through life, effervescent bubble pops like kisses on my cheeks, eyelids. My breath would catch in my throat. Delight at the new. Security in the warmth. January was when winter settled, and I've been wishing for another November, ever since. go
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